It's been a crazy week+ here since I got out of the sling. My pain is reducing everyday, but I still find sleep really challenging, and my physical therapy has increased ten-fold. We're working on really increasing my mobility before we get to strengthening, and I've found I'm making huge strides in mobility every day. I can get my arm past my shoulder, which is a huge milestone!
I've also been missing swimming SO much lately. Swimming has always been an activity that makes me so peaceful and has been the one exercise that was least affected by my eating disorder and compulsive exercise. I haven't swam since last summer, and besides the huge amounts of pain in my shoulder, I wasn't in the right headspace and found myself getting obsessive about numbers the last couple of times I was in the pool.
When I started physical therapy in June, the first thing we did was establish my goals moving forward. There were the obvious ones: being able to carry groceries, wash my hair, not be in pain for 9 years... and then there was my big, ultimate goal: Get back in the pool.
With the extent of my injury and the time it takes for the tissues to heal, my physical therapist told me that in order for this to happen, I'll have to do an additional ~2 months of supervised physical therapy when I get back to NYC in August. As each day of PT is a real struggle, at first, I was a little bummed. But then this got me thinking.
I haven't been cleared yet by my ED treatment team to begin formal exercise again, but I really, really, want to get back to the pool. And I haven't been cleared yet to do any overhead motion by my doctor or physical therapist, but I really, really, want to get back to the pool.
Today I've been in a little bit of a weird headspace where food doesn't seem so important or appealing, and PT seems like a pain in the ass.
Strong eating disorder recovery has to happen first before I can get back to what I love and want to do. In order to get back swimming, I HAVE to eat, nourish my body, and work on the hard stuff that makes exercise so compulsive for me.
Full healing of my shoulder has to happen first before I can get back in the water. This means I'm doing my exercises twice a day, even though I'm only required to do them once, and that I have to be patient in order to get my full range of motion back to where it needs to be. It means that this is by no means a quick fix, which I knew going into it, and that I have to keep working my ass off to get my shoulder back to where it is.
And looking at these two sentences, I could be totally overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done before I dive back in to doing what I love.
This can totally motivate me and be a goal to move closer to each and every day. It means that when food is hard and I'm not feeling my best, I still have to eat because that's what's necessary to get back in the pool. It means even when I'm tired and sore, I do my physical therapy, above and beyond what I need to do, because that's what will get me closer to my goal of being in the water.
As I've been at home this summer, I've felt a little disconnected from my life worth living goals. Since so many of them are in New York, it's been hard for me to feel motivated and like I'm making any progress towards them. However, I think that now having these goals solidified into place gives me something tangible that I can make little steps towards. I believe that having this will keep me focused on the bigger picture and working towards full recovery which is ultimately what I want anyway.
Hi, I'm Charlotte! I'm a 23 year old grad student living in NYC. I'm passionate about mental health, reality tv, and making my cat an Instagram star.