***TW: mention of eating disorder behaviors***
Last December, I was wrapping up my first semester of grad school. Finals had rolled around the corner and I was busy studying my ass off for my epidemiology final. I was also in the middle of the worst relapse I have had since I started really struggling with my eating disorder.
I got to the point that I was bargaining with myself to just eat one meal--anything!-- so that I had enough brain power to not fail my finals. I normally don't like to talk about any of my specific behaviors, but this really stood out to me today as I spent the day at the student space enjoying the free foods they brought in and working on a final paper with a full, clear mind.
I've been very overwhelmed with emotions this week. I'm feeling very bittersweet as I get ready to discharge from my treatment next week. I feel extremely proud and full of gratitude for everything that has happened to me this semester.
100 days ago I admitted to a higher level of care for the 3rd time.
100 days ago I was in the lowest of lows--my deepest depression, totally caught up in my eating disorder.
100 days ago I barely believed my treatment team that this was a good move for me, but knew I wasn't heading in a good direction if I didn't.
100 days ago I was still in denial about the dangers of my behaviors.
100 days ago I didn't believe I was "sick enough".
100 days ago I took the leap of faith that was totally necessary and took the first step to full, true, recovery.
I cried today in session because I can't believe I'm here. I'm going to miss the team at my treatment center that I've grown so close with over the last few months. I cried because when I entered treatment this January I truly never thought it would actually change me like this did. I cried for the desperate exhaustion that I've felt each and every day doing some of the most challenging work I could imagine. And I cried because I truly never believed any of this was possible.
I cried today because I was truly at such a low point, so depressed, and so engaged in my eating disorder, that in January I never believed any type of recovery was possible. I never believed that it was possible to live a life that wasn't fully controlled by my mental illnesses, or that I would ever find this elusive "life worth living" that we continued to talk about in session.
My therapist was touched too. She saw me getting progressively worse, until I finally got to a point where she could no longer sit by and let me continue without additional support. She stood by me as I bitched and moaned about how hard it was to eat and restore my body, and she was there for me as I clawed and dug myself out of the deep, dark hole that my eating disorder had told me to crawl into. She told me she was proud of me, and that meant the world, as it came from someone who has seen the struggle, the falls, the wins, and everything in between as I've worked my way through the program these past 100 days.
100 days seems like a huge milestone. As of today, I am 100 days behavior free. I am 100 days into my new recovery, my true recovery, that I am actually 100% dedicated to. And I am 100 days away from the girl who never thought any of this was possible.
And yet, here I am. I have survived. I have prevailed. I still struggle. I am still emotional (as I tear up writing this), and I am still a fighter even when times get tough.
I am so grateful to my team and most importantly I am thankful for myself, 100 days ago, for taking the first step to changing my own life. I never thought it was possible, and yet, here I am.
Here's to looking back and appreciating where I've come from, and looking ahead to the future, be it full of struggles, Donald Trump jokes, and everything in between. I'm ready to face it head-on.
Hi, I'm Charlotte! I'm a 23 year old grad student living in NYC. I'm passionate about mental health, reality tv, and making my cat an Instagram star.