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Today felt like the first real day of spring, and it was beautiful here--60+ degrees, sunny skies, and a little bit of a breeze. I met up with my good friend Dan after finishing up a grant proposal draft that I've been chipping away at for over a week, and it felt like we just needed a little bit of fun.
We wanted to take advantage of the beautiful day we had in front of us, so we started wandering around the West Village, exploring a bit. I was telling him about how amazing this Indian/taco fusion place, Taco Mahal was, and as soon as the sentence came out of my mouth, we rounded the corner and literally ran into it! In a split second, we both had the same idea, "Want to get one and split it and do a food tour today?"
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Hello everyone, I still have a blog, and I'm back!
Wow, it's been quite a while since I posted. And the truth is, I was just not in a place for most of the fall where I felt that I could be talking about my recovery. Because I was struggling. A lot. I was on shaky ground for most of the fall, thinking that I "had it under control" or that my seemingly inevitable relapse into my eating disorder "wasn't that bad." After about Thanksgiving I started to slide in a way that I hadn't seen before. My disordered behaviors got much more frequent and severe than they had ever been... Wow, what a month.
I realize it's been just over a month since I wrote about my experience as an inpatient in the hospital. To be frank, September was the hardest month of my life. And yet, I got through it. I was struggling a lot after I discharged from the hospital, as I was in the midst of several medication changes that left my body scrambling to keep up and my brain was pretty much fried. It felt like a chemical crash with my brain and body trying to go different ways and struggling to find equilibrium again. I was also having a really hard time coping with some personal events that left me feeling rather hopeless and just completely deflated. In short, I was extremely depressed, exhausted all the time, my anxiety was out of control, and I felt pretty defeated. And yet,  This is the way that E, a kind writer with a knack for dark humor, described the inpatient psychiatric unit I was in for a week.
So yeah, that happened. I last wrote about how I was really struggling and overwhelmed with coming back to NYC. What I didn't really mention was that for the past three months, I've been in a huge depressive episode. This got especially bad after I got back from Italy, with my mood dropping and my desire to "do" recovery very, very low. When I returned, I was struggling even more than I had before I left Denver. I had a couple of events really break me down even more, and by Friday, I hit the lowest low that I've ever experienced. I want to recognize how truly amazing my treatment team is. I went to therapy on Friday, feeling completely helpless and the idea of seeing Saturday was next to impossible. I just didn't care. I had been struggling from this depressive episode for so long that I no longer cared about my recovery at all, I didn't want to be around anyone, and I truly felt like there was no point. My therapist is a God-send. I've raved about her before, and I will continue to do so for years to come. She sat with me, and after about 20 minutes, recognized that the state I was in was one that couldn't be managed as an outpatient, at least not for the crisis period I was in. She quickly canceled the rest of her appointments, got me into a cab, and took me directly to the emergency room. She stayed with me there, helped me endure the painful and uncomfortable first hour in the ER and helped me talk with my family, and feel less alone. I am SO thankful I got myself to therapy, and was honest with how I was feeling. I am so thankful for my therapist and her wonderful soul and the way she always looks out for my wellbeing. I am thankful that I kept myself safe, even though that meant admitting to the inpatient psychiatric unit for a week. After 3 months in Denver, I am returning to New York on Tuesday.
To say I'm feeling conflicted about it would be an understatement. The majority of me is SO excited to be back with my team, my friends, boyfriend, and Tubs. I'm excited to return to a routine, with appointments, classes, and my internship. I also miss NYC like crazy. And yet... I was reflecting today on how insane the past year was. I graduated from college last May, had a whirlwind summer, then moved to NYC and started graduate school right away. If I mapped it out, I was in a full blown relapse in my eating disorder from about October-January. And it got really bad. I spent my entire first semester of grad school sick and engaging in my eating disorder. I didn't have a lot of hope and it felt like the only constant and sure thing in my life. I spent my entire second semester of grad school in an intensive level of care, working to return my mind and body to stability and health. I had such an amazing level of support, both with meals, and my emotional wellbeing, that I felt like I could conquer everything and relapse was not an option. |
AuthorHi, I'm Charlotte! I'm a 24 year old navigating life in NYC and mental health recovery. I am passionate about public health and eliminating stigma. 
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